


Waiting

by Silvi Henna (Noctemus)



Series: Waiting [1]
Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: F/M, genderbent!Spike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-22
Updated: 2005-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:40:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29442018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noctemus/pseuds/Silvi%20Henna
Summary: How come you seem to miss something when you seemingly have everything you ever wanted.--Originally Published: Mar 22, 2005 (FF.net)
Relationships: Angel/Spike (BtVS)
Series: Waiting [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2162640





	Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> I was reading Changes by Jenn (SpikedAngel22) on FF.net and this sort of came to me. Don’t know why or how, it just did.
> 
> Thanks mucho Pat for betaing this.  
> \--  
>  _I've been debating on whether to rewrite these AtS stories as I upload them to AO3 but ultimately I decided against that if only so I can see how I have changed in terms of writing._

**Title:** Waiting  
 **Author:** Silvi Henna  
 **Fandom:** Ats  
 **Genre:** Angst, one-shot.  
 **Rating:** FRC  
 **Pairing:** I want it to be a surprise, but there are slashy undertones: Angel/?  
 **Spoilers:** Season Five if any.  
 **Warning:** Not any I can think of.

**Summary:** How come you seem to miss something when you seemingly have everything you ever wanted.

* * *

It was nothing particular that woke him up, no sounds even though the building was buzzing with life as the day had already started for most of the people currently working for him. He was so used to the familiar sounds they generated that they weren’t any longer cause for him to stay awake. 

He knew he had to get up soon but he couldn’t bring himself to move from the warm comfort of the bed. Blinking his eyes open he could see the sun trying to peek through the curtains. It was no longer a cause for fear as the protecting glass shielded him from the deadly rays but habits were hard to lose which is why every night he closed the curtains. 

The one time he left them open he woke up with such a fundamental fear that it left him paralyzed. His demon had been beyond any coherent thoughts as the sun shone right on him. It took him hours to stop trembling even though his mind knew that there were no threats from that ancient foe anymore, not while he was within the confinement of the building.

It was for his friends that he had all the windows uncovered in his office but sometimes he couldn’t help but flinch as the light touched his skin. He found himself, even now, turning his hands in the sunlight waiting to see them catch fire. Of course only when no one was around. The only one to have caught him was Spike but he couldn’t say much as he used to be the same. 

He guesses that Spike had adapted better and faster than him but then again he was more than half his age... Also, Spike had always been better at bending and going with the current.

Shaking his head he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was fully rested and felt ready to confront the day. It was a feeling that still made him pause from time to time. It had been a long, long time since he didn't need to be fully aware and ready the first thing in the morning, in case there was some threat lurking around the corner. He guessed there was really only one person to thank - err non-person. Musing he stretched and turned over, his back to the window the arm that had been around his waist falling limply to the bed.

Looking at the blond sleeping beside him he let his eyes travel over the small form. The hair had grown longer and was curling adoringly around the beautiful face. It still filled him with awe waking beside her every morning. For so long he had woken up in a lonely bed that sometimes he had bruises on the inside of his arms from the pinches he made to be sure that this was not all a dream. They had been together for a while now and he still gave thanks to whoever made this possible. She had appeared out of nowhere and more or less slipped into his life just during a very painful moment.

He had lost Spike, not that anyone knew that he ached for his childe. One night he had just gone out doing what he always did, fighting really what used to be his duty. He hadn't noticed anything amiss when the day broke over the horizon and the routine at the offices began again. Nor had he given much importance or thought to the fact that Spike hadn’t shown up. 

He did after all tend to go gallivanting around the city, sometimes for days without showing his face. After all, if something had happened he was convinced that he would know it, feel it in his bones. He refused to listen to the voice in his head that whispered, _you didn't feel anything when the thing in Sunnydale went down._

But soon enough it became clear that Spike was gone. He sent a search team at the demand from the others, never mind that he had been in the process of doing just that before they came, but for them, it must have seemed like it was their pressure that made him do it. He was too worried and tired, missing Spike's constant-in-your-face-thing he did, to correct them.

But he couldn't be found, and he couldn't really explain to them why that would affect him so much considering how he had been with him. So he mourned in silence. 

And then she had appeared. No one could have been more surprised than him to find himself in a relationship with her. It had been rocky at first but they had managed through it. He almost made her go away one time because of how he had been. There had been something in her eyes that had reminded him too much of Spike and he had lashed out. It must have looked un-provoked by the others and they had really given him a tough time about it for some time later.

It had surprised him how well they got along with her, they seem to have become close friends sharing secrets and such. Even Gunn laughed with her and if it hadn't been for the fact that she went to him every night, that it was his bed she slept in every night he would have been jealous and envied them their friendship. 

Lifting his hand he placed it on her shoulder and caressed her. Smiling as she stirred he lent forward and planted a light kiss on her lips caressing her lower lip with his thumb. She didn’t wake up but he could still hear her mumble his name as a faint smile graced her lips.

Leaning over her he filled his lungs with her smell and passed his fingers through her locks. He knew there was no risk of her waking up for various reasons, she was always a sound sleeper and he had worn her out last night. Giving her a final kiss he rolled around and stood stretching his arms up to the ceiling and feeling his bones pop. Walking to the bathroom absently scratching his belly he wondered what today would bring. Perhaps today would be the day when it happened.

His eyes turn momentarily sad as he figured out the odds against it, but still, he had hope. Rubbing his face with his hands he stepped into the shower and turned it on, the water cascading over his tired muscles and the scratches her nails had left on his back making them sting. Taking up a washcloth and lathering it up he began to wash himself, softly, quietly humming to himself.

He had known that there had been a secret between his friends and her but he could never in his life had guessed what it was. He had heard them whispering between themselves and casting covert glances towards him thinking he wouldn't notice him but still he wouldn't have figured it out. 

The day he did, it had rocked him to his core. He had had to excuse himself and when he reached his penthouse - they had just gotten together, a couple of weeks tops - he had finally collapsed and cried. Heart-wrenching cries that shook his tall frame. He couldn't believe it. Though it felt true, he knew deep inside that it was true and what his subconscious had tried to tell him for so long. That he hadn't lost Spike. That _she_ was Spike. He couldn't figure out how that worked but he accepted it. 

It had made him go over every meeting he ever had with her to see if it had all been a game for her, make him fall for her, because he had, oh how hard he had fallen for her. That whole day he had made himself scarce to come to terms and figure out what to do next. 

He realized that the others were waiting for him to notice who she really was, he even knew now that they had made bets, but he never told them that he knew. Because he was waiting. 

He wanted her to tell him. He knew that every time she had looked like she had been about to say something but evidently changed her mind in the last instance - was the time she had tried to take the courage to tell him the truth. 

He knew now that she must have doubted how he would react, probably violently, and that she would lose him. To his shame, he can't say that had she told him the truth earlier, that that wasn't the way he would react. He admits to himself that he would have made himself deaf to any explanation she would have given but now everything has changed. 

He has already planned what to say to her when she ultimately does it. He refused to give in to the doubt that grew bigger each day that she might not ever tell him the truth. That her fear might not let her do it. She is Spike dammit - no matter in what package she's in - and there would never be a day when Spike would let fear rule her life. 

He was happy, he can't deny that. He likes the life he has with her and his friends but there was a small part of him that....no, he _is_ happy. 

She will tell him who she really is and what really happened that time. And he will listen and love her and perhaps never let her know that he already knew because he could fix this already by telling her the truth but he wants her to come to him. It would be the ultimate proof that everything has changed, become better and newer, and that the heavy chains of the past no longer fetter them. 

He doesn't want to hear it from the others, he wants the words to come from her lips, and each day he hopes today will be the day. So he waits and keeps loving her, showing her with every action and look how he feels so that she will never doubt that she is loved. 

Stepping out of the shower he turns the knob off and grabbing one of the towels dries himself before hanging it back. Nude as the day he was born he walks into their shared bedroom stopping at the foot of the bed watching her curled around his pillow her face buried into it, still sleeping. 

Beginning to dress for work he lets his gaze travel over her nude form a faint fond smile on his lips. 

Perhaps today. 

Sitting down on the edge he slips his feet into his shoes and ties them off. Standing he walks around to her side and leaning down he brushes an errant lock from her brow. 

Perhaps today, but he had the feeling that no it wouldn't be today. 

Softly kissing her cheek he then gently rubs his nose against the pale smooth skin. He ignores the faint pang in his chest at the thought. 

He will not break the vow he made. He was not going to be the one to say it. It would negate everything. She is worth waiting for and one day she will tell him. 

Until then he would wait. 

Fin.


End file.
